By Kim Filchak, reporter

We all have that one friend who is well neigh impossible to shop for. We also all have that one friend whom we would not too be surprised if they were on an international watch list, the person who’s spirit animal is some type of  really extra special horrifying Elder God, and who thinks that Emperor Palpatine was a great role model with “Can Do!” attitude.

I am talking, of course, about the Super Villain in your life. Be Dr.’s Evil or Horrible, we all have that one friend who spends their free time dreaming of fricking laser beams and the sharks who wear them. (At least I hope you only one friend who qualifies as a full on  legit Super Villain. If you by some chance have more than one of those in your life? You, my friend,  need to sit down and look at your choices.)

But what do you do when those two friends are one and the same? So I present to you the Holiday Gift Buying Guide for the Super Villain in your life. Which you should only have to use for one person… Seriously.

1.) The Super Villain Literary Starter Kit

Super Villains are by nature a bunch of smarty pants, it’s the big brains as well as the critical mass of ego that allows them think they can grow an gigantic radioactive island in the middle of the Atlantic,  lay claim to it via the mechanism of squatting there like it’s a sweet apartment from Airbnb,  and then daring the world governments and Space Jesus to come and try to evict them. Dig far enough into the back-stories of most megalomaniacs and you are bound to find some form of deeply frustrated nerd. So books are a great gift idea! Nerds love them!

That said, it has to be the right books. As inadvertently hilarious as their monologue-ing often is, it takes a very special type of despot to be thrilled with a copy of ‘Bossy Pants’. Instead I recommend the following titles as a sort of Baby’s First Library of Evil. Just because your fledgling evil mastermind has the brains and will to try to kill off the human population with a bunch of death orchids launched from space does not mean they necessarily have the skill set to do it. These books will help with that. And possibly also help them realize that if they are going to steal their evil plans from Bond villains they should probably pick a better one then the weirdo from Moonraker.

Seriously. He was so weird he creeped out Jaws. Let me repeat, JAWS thought he was a creepy weirdo.

The Anarchists Cookbook: All the skills someone need to mess with the system and bring down the man.

The Prince: The book for getting thier head in the game and manipulating the people and systems around them better than Glenn Close in a wig and corset fucking over John Malcovich in Dangerous Liaisons.

The Rules: See above. And also possibly the single most evil book ever written.

The Art of War: For when the head games previously enacted via the “Prince” & the Ladies Guide to Sociopathy drive everyone to want to destroy them and they need to fight some actual battles.

Bossy Pants: I lied, Tina Fey is a gift to humanity and this book is so freaking awesome even a monster would love it. I am pretty sure Doctor Doom has a copy in his bathroom.

2.) Army/Navy Surplus Store Gift Certificate

Not all shopping in an Army/Navy Surplus Store has to be one for the doomsday prepper in your life. If the Super Villain in your life is short on funds and sewing skills? Outfitting an army of minions can be a real pain. An Army/Navy Surplus Store is an surprisingly cost effective way to outfit their Army of Doom in practical and stylish uniforms.

Hazmat suits, gas masks and machetes make a surprisingly effective terrifying fashion statement and all are readily available right alongside the MRE’s and combat boots. All they would need do would be to add a few unique accessories and a soulless dead eyed stare to give the People’s Army of North Korea a run for their money.

3.) Cat Battle Armor

Wait! Hear me out on this one! Who is to say that their Hordes of Destruction has to be human? Speaking as a cat owner having more than two is a precursor to insanity. So why not go with it? Arm your adorable squadron of furry evil and keep them as a private security force. Trust me, as long as you control access to the cat treats? No one will fuck with you.

Now you may be asking where one might purchase such an item and the answer is exactly where you think. Etsy. The amazing Etsy shop Schnabuble specifically. The one stop shop for making sure your house pets are battle ready… and anything else you may buy there is between you and the internet.

4.) Minions!

Finding minions is hard, you can’t just pick up young,impressionable, sociopaths willing to obey your every word on a street corner anymore. In part that would be because of the in re branding done in the mid 90’s they are no called minions, now they go by the much more PC term of “interns”. A young group of dynamic go getters who will help you build a gigantic space laser in exchange for bargain basement price of college credit! And thanks to a generation raised on ultra violent video games the current crop of young minds is much more morally flexible than previous cadres. You may be wondering how to get in on this action, short of a nondescript white van and a bag of candy, but the answer is far more simple than that,  just set up your nubile young Super Villain with an account at interships.com. It will be a great recruiting tool and they just may finally find someone to take care of those damn social media accounts.

5.) Their Own Private Island

Be a quiet place to hide and plot bloody revenge once everything has blow up in their face or a rustic retreat where they can play a rousing round of the Most Dangerous Game, a private island is a must have for all Super Villains. Full Stop. However hollowed out volcanoes with secret helicopter pads are a serious expense for your budding young Big Bad and unless you are a Walton buying one for them is out of your price range. However, a starter island is surprisingly affordable and is a great gift idea for anyone you want to make sure is as far away from you as humanly possible when they finally go nuclear. Just wander through the offerings at Private Islands Online and you just may end up picking one up for yourself as well!

There you have it. Five gifts for the person in your life for whom not getting present is just not an option, unless you are not particular attached to any pets or family members you may have left at this point. So shop wisely and have a happy holiday!