by Mister Sparta, guest reviewer

Hello folks and welcome back to another chilling edition of Mister Sparta’s Creature Feature.  Tonight we tackle the hot ticket on the horror scene: Zombies.  Seems these days everyone’s got a zombie story to tell and anyone with a Kickstarter account and a low-cost cult actor in their back pocket can take their zombie story to the big…err, small screen.  Well, tonight’s selection, Night Of The Living Dead: Reanimation, proves that not all zombie movies are created equal.

This movie bills itself as a prequel to the 2006 movie Night Of The Living Dead 3D, which was yet another horrible remake/adaptation of the George Romero classic.  Still, Night Of The Living Dead 3D is classic cinema when compared to its train wreck of a prequel.  From the start, this movie drops the ball and, like the fat kid picked last in basketball, just can’t seem to pick it back up.

The film stars Andrew Divoff (anyone remember him?  Toy Soldiers?  Wishmaster?  Anyone?  Nope, didn’t think so) as the owner of a funeral home in which he’s locked dozens of corpses in his crematorium that have been reanimated by some hazardous material in a body bag (no, I’m NOT making this shit up, he actually points that out as the cause) and are trying to get out.

Fun fact: Sid Haig (House of 1000 Corpses) plays this exact same character in Night Of The Living Dead 3D.  Shame on you, Sid Haig, for attaching your name to that and shame on you, Andrew Divoff, for crawling out of obscurity to attach your name to this shit.

About this time is when aforementioned cult-movie actor shows up. Presenting…(fanfare)….Jeffrey Combs!  No?  Not ringing any bells?  Re-Animator franchise?  From Beyond?  House On Haunted Hill?  The Frighteners?  STAR TREK?!?  Still nothing?!…….you uncultured swine……

Where was I?  Oh yeah, Jeffrey Combs.  He shows up to save the day like only Jeffrey Combs can and makes this movie bearable.  That’s what you’re expecting me to say right?  Wrong.  Combs’ presence is restricted to a ‘Murica-loving, conspiracy theory junkie of Republican stereotype and boy, is it embarrassing.  While we’re on the political subject, this movie takes painfully obvious potshots at the Republican party by not only relaying zombie news from Faux News, but halfway through, a fucking Sarah Palin lookalike shows up.  Yeah, THAT happens in this.  It’s as if this movie knew it was going to be shit and decided “Hey, maybe they’ll like me if I make fun of Republicans.  HEY! LOOK AT ME!  I hate Republicans!  I’m cool!  Please love me!”  Okay, we get it.  You’re Democrats.  Good for you.  We’re all glad.

Now can you get back to your shitty movie about your shitty zombies already?  By the Gods, your anti-
Republican jokes aren’t even fucking clever!  Have some subtlety, for fucks sake.  It makes the potshots all the sweeter.

No one in this movie can act.  Plain and simple.  Everyone phoned in their acting on this one.  Even the scene when the mortician’s assistants get high on weed and ecstasy and the zombie smokes with them (Yes, I just said.  No, once again I’m not making this up) it’s all awkward and stale.  And the icing on the cake?  Jeffrey Combs’ character, in true conspiracy theorist fashion that would rival even Jesse “The Body” Ventura, flat calls the zombies “Romero Zombies” and proceeds to reference EACH of Romero’s zombie films, Night, Dawn, Day, and the Night remake in 1990.  This was a blatant attempt to try and latch onto Romero’s coattails and try to make this movie relevant.

Final Judgment?  Sorry, Jeffrey Combs, but not you could save this movie.  Don’t watch it.  Don’t even look at it.  Don’t even acknowledge its existence.

Save yourself 88 minutes of your life you can never get back.  I try to make a point of reviewing movies that are good and worth watching, but sometimes a rare gem of a shitty movie comes along and I must warn others of it.

Until next time, this is Mister Sparta and, to paraphrase a quote by personal hero of mine, Doc Atrocity, I watched this movie so YOU didn’t have to.  See ya next time.

For all things that go “BRAAAAAAAAiiiiiins”, grab that shotgun and head on back over to ComicsOnline for everything geek pop culture.