by Kroze Kresky (Media Editor) and Matt Sernaker (Managing Editor)

The following is a statement from one of the main characters from Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters:

“Hi, my name is Hansel. I hunt witches… that’s pretty much all you need to know about me to “get” me… I’m not f***ing complicated like all those other guys out there. I keep it simple and straight to the point.

See a witch?

Pump it full of holes till it’s dead. Easy as that!

I do this gig with my sister, Gretel. We travel around a shitload saving people from witches. She’s not as good as me of course… She kinda constantly gets the shit kicked out of her… by witches, trees, and even other humans… She’s a regular beating magnet.  Although that’s not to say she doesn’t get SOME payback out of it all.

Oh, I forgot to f***ing, mention I curse a f***ing lot.

The End.”

…..

Thank you Hansel for that accurate summerization of your completely crazy (and over the top) B-movie. Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters is a movie you have to be in the correct mindset to truly enjoy. The movie is filled with elaborate set pieces and magnificent cheese filled one liners and plot twists that once you are in that mindset, it’s a hell of a ride.

The movie centers around the two former fairy tale characters, who have been taken from their cutesy kids story and set in a gritty ultra violent one liner filled perversion of their former storybook world… This movie is what it would have been like if Sam Rami had made Van Helsing. It is interesting how the film takes place after the events of the children’s fable, when both Hansel and Gretel have taken what they have learned from their first witch encounter and begun to use it to help others with similar problems. Their main mission? To rid the world of witches all together. The stories of their many many witch killing adventures has since made them world famous, and the movie opens with them accepting their newest job.

From there on the plot goes from acceptable to downright redicalous as the plot progresses. Make no mistake that when I say “plot” what I actually mean is an excuse to have another crazy fight with a random witch. The plot in this movie barely exists just to tie together the ever increasingly over the top moments and sequences that are peppered throughout the movie. Hansel and Gretel thrives on being a total spectical… not unlike any of Michael Bay’s films, but in this case you are never not entertained.

It is important to note that the fun free loving wackiness of all the antics happening on screen is conveyed extremely well thanks to its leads Jermey Renner and Gemma Arterton, which throughout the movie you feel they had just as fun making it as viewers will have watching it. Famke Janssen does a great job of being a menacing, if very one note and shallow adversary to counter our two heroes.

The CGI and special effects in this movie won’t ever be considered award winning but it gets the job done and appropriately fits the “B-movie feel” that the rest of the film gives off. Special props goes to the guys who were in charge of the over the top gore effects that wouldn’t feel out of place at all in something like Evil Dead.

Overall:
Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters is a solid fun romp as long as you go in having no expectations whatsoever. It was clear from day 1 with trailers that this movie was not out to be serious or have any dose of realism involved in it whatsoever ,and because of that, it succeeds in being a great random popcorn action flick. This follows greatly in the grand tradition of Sam Rami films that I think he would shed a tear in happiness when the “tree rape” scene goes down (spoilers!). The over the top feel of it all even extends to the 3-D version of the film, which throws so much gimmicky shit in your face and absurd uses of 3-D that you can’t help but laugh and give the film a quick “I see what you did there” nod. This film has it all (including implied sex with trolls!) If you want something fun to watch, this is definitely one to see. We paid $31.25 to see this movie in the theaters, and in 3-D. Was it fun? Yes. Was it worth every penny? Yes. At first I cringed at the amount that the theater wanted to charge me to see this movie…in the middle of the way…during the week, but in the end, I was pleasantly surprised by how entertaining this film was.

I will let Hansel close us out with this tiny little annicdote of advice for everyone:

“Remember whatever you do, don’t eat the f***ing candy!”

ComicsOnline gives Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters 4 “What EXACTLY did I just watch and HOW was it that freakin awesome?”s out of 5!

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