That’s not the hammer…

by Nomad, Assistant Media Editor

Hey, you in line with the Thor t-shirt…

If the Thor movie completely sucked, I have a feeling I would be slightly less angry than I am right now. As a youth, and even as a very youthful adult, I can remember sitting through miserable adaptions of my childhood dreams whoring themselves out for the uninitiated and the unworthy flock of mindless flat-scans known as “the regular folk”. Apparently, the regular folk (Latin name: Fuckus Regularum) demand that everything we love as loyal comic book reading, video game playing, sci-fi watching fans has to be stripped down, rearranged, completely changed and/or “jar-jar binked.” I say thee, nay Fuckus Regularum! You shall not have my Asgardian Odin son to rape, pillage and…..oh crap, you already did it. That’s right,, true believers, this isn’t your Daddy Thor (or even yours); this is “Space Thor: The Love Story”.

To be honest, that title isn’t 100% accurate. It’s more like “Space Thor: The Really Lame Attempt At A Love Story Featuring Natalie Ruined Star Wars And The Punisher In A Cheesy Fat Suit Pretending To Be Nordic, And A Black Hiemdall To Sell Toys To Black Kids”. I truly believe that title would have been better suited to herald the opening day of what will ultimately turn out to be a disappointment for most.

The problem with the Space Thor isn’t due to run-of-the-mill special effects. The CGI is actually done quite well aside from the occasional laughable scenes of Thor flying with a hammer. Furthermore, the frost giants – as well as Asgard – all look as shiny (heavily
CGI’ed) as the day they were made on some under-appreciated geek’s computer, but therein lurks the problem. Thor should not be a shiny movie! How cool would the movie be if Asgard looked like a place Norse Gods actually lived and if the Asgardians portrayed in the movie actually looked like warriors instead of clean cut shiny space aliens? If any real Vikings saw these clean cut aliens, they wouldn’t pray to them,
they would kick their asses. I’m at a loss when searching for a reason why the Marvel movie makers thought it was a good idea to make the Norse gods space aliens and their culture technology based. I guess the Fuckus Regularum couldn’t handle a movie about Nordic Deities unless there was a strong element of science involved. It seems the people who think they know better than 40+ years of history have struck again (not to mention the obvious budget cutting small town setting for the majority of the movie)! Seriously people, how can the infantile scribbles of J.K. Rowling be transferred over to the silver screen with all its magical aspects intact but Thor has to use space Thor technology to placate the flat-scans?

Love doesn’t belong in Thor. At least not love with Natalie “not-the-best-actor-anymore” Portman. Space Thor spent very little time acting like the Thor we all know and love, and most of his time falling in love with an actress whose ass is as flat as…well… the rainbow bridge. At least 45 minutesof the movie was dedicated to watching Queen Amygdala (clever) and the blonde-guy-badly-portraying-Thor making googly eyes at each other. If I wanted to see horrible love stories, I would watch films of me with my ex-girlfriends. Thor should be a film about Norse gods battling medieval style, complete with magic powers, magic realms and gruff looking Asgardian Gods. Due to Loki’s mischief, the godly battles between magic realms should have spilled over into Midgard where Samuel Jackson (playing Shield) and maybe even Iron Man could have shown up to help the Asgardians win the day. All of this could have happened, but instead the powers that be gave us Space Thor.

As I stated in my first line: “If the Thor movie completely sucked, I have a feeling I would be slightly less angry than I am right now.”. Please do not think that I am claiming the movie completely sucked because surely, it did not. The few battle scenes in the film were entertaining and the rainbow bridge design DID look kind of cool. To be honest, my problem is really with comic book fans who view this film. You see, the hardcore fan who reads comics and supports the industry has a failing which allows them to accept any crap Hollywood shoves their way. This failing is caused by the insatiable desire to see our heroes on the big screen, so many hardcore fans try to find the good in the worst of adaptions. ATTENTION, PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT THE NEW BATMAN WAS THE GREATEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD: you don’t have to support crappy movies because you think Hollywood throwing you a bone every now and then is better than nothing. Demand more! Demand that your X-Men not wear leather. Demand that your Spidey create his own web fluid. Demand that your Deadpool not have optic blast. And finally, demand that 40+ years of great story telling be respected and represented accurately whenever it is adapted the big screen.

Having said that, I’m going to go watch the Blu-ray version of Jonah Hex I just bought.

ComicsOnline gives Thor – 2 out of 5 Norse Gods that could have kicked serious ass on the big screen.

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