After standing in a line that would rival a theme park ride, I was one of the first kids on my block to witness the new Twilight movie: New Moon. I found myself surrounded by thousands of screaming teenagers eager to watch the translation of Stephanie Meyer’s second book in the series. What I found in the movie was a large improvement over the first movie but not offering anything compared to the quality we’ve seen in other fantasy genre flicks like Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, or Underworld.
Warning: Spoilers are ahead…
The film starts with an elder version of Bella getting eye-fucked by Edward in a dream. She’s 18 and now older than Edward. She’s afraid because she’s not a vampire and therefore ages normally. This apparently sets off an internal clock, but instead of needing to have a baby, she needs Edward to turn her…NOW! Edward tells Bella he’s leaving her. Not because she’s in heat for him to turn her but because people are getting suspicious that his family hasn’t aged in 10 years. Really, no one noticed that Edward keeps repeating the same grades over and over?
Once gone, Bella snuggles up to Taylor Lautner’s Jacob Black and they have what would be considered a normal relationship. They spend time together rebuilding motorcycles, he cares for her, and he generally likes her. Things only begin to get screwed up when Edward keeps reappearing via ghost like images to fuck with Bella’s head causing her to commit multiple acts of stupidity all while injuring herself in the process. Jacob comes to her aid after several of these events and continues to put up with her inability to get over the guy that left her.
This has helped me create a theory. If a girl has to choose between a nice, muscular boy that would do anything for her and wants to protect her, or a pale, scrawny boy who leaves her and constantly puts her in danger, she should choose the pale one because it’s the worst decision by far. It has to be right because he loves her so much that he’s willing to commit suicide over her… Thousands of teenage girls that view Kristen Stewart’s character as a role model are now thinking its OK to let a guy treat them like shit because he says he loves her. I can see it now… “Baby, those bruises I gave you are just marks of my undying love for you.”
The overall story arc doesn’t even begin to pick up until far later in the movie when we are introduced to what will be the true villains in the series; the Volturi. Edwards travels to Italy to commit suicide with them and they refuse him so he tries to commit suicide on his own. Bella shows up to save him in a yellow Porsche and is only able to because she is immune to Dakota Fanning’s creepy ass powers. How she got to Italy and how her father doesn’t seem to notice her gone all that time is beyond me.
They return together to be confronted by Jacob. What looks like it could be a bad ass fight between the two turns into Bella saving Edward again. Bella turns Jacob away and returns to the dilemma they had before he left, she still wants to be turned into a vampire. This time Edward reveals that he won’t until she marries him. At this point we are supposed to like Edward again, but knowing how bad ass Jacob was in comparison, I can’t.
I have only read the first three chapters of the Twilight book and I think Stephanie Meyer is a terrible writer. I understand that there are those that think she’s great, but when your target audience is a bunch of 15 year old girls, what can you expect? The same can be said about this movie. I would have hoped that the screenplay writer Melissa Rosenberg and director Chris Weitz would have taken more liberties and altered a bit of the dialogue but sadly they did not. Some of the conversations amongst the main characters are just awful; Bella and Jacob on the beach is just one example of this.
Despite that, I think the actors that returned for the roles have grown into them well. The characters certainly look better in the roles than they did the first time around. The return of Billy Burke as Bella’s father Charlie is by far one of the best and freshest characters in the movie. What little comedy that isn’t forced is brought forth by his role as an awkward father to a teenage girl. Ashley Greene’s expanded role as Alice Cullen is another welcome sight. She is extremely attractive and her many costume changes prove that she’s hot in anything. Her powers of foresight are pretty worthless at this point in the story because she’s always wrong.
With a bigger budget and far better special effects Twilight Saga: New Moon delivers a lot more than the first movie but that that still doesn’t make it a good movie. If you’re not a fan of the Twilight series already, this entry will not change your mind. The story is a jumbled mess of plot and poor dialogue that’s only saved by a few choice characters and some interesting special effects sequences. If you’re already a fan you’re most likely willing to overlook its many flaws and just enjoy staring at Edward’s paleness or Jacob’s newly chiseled abs. You’ve probably already seen it also. As of this posting, it has smashed all previous midnight showing records and has pulled in over 23 million.
ComicsOnline gives Twilight Saga: New Moon 2.5 out of 5 abusive relationships with supernatural creatures.
